It’s October 2021, and somewhere along the way, the pumpkin has become the most exploited vegetable on Earth. Now, let’s pause our trip down memory lane, and return to the present. Regardless of our pumpkins’ final fates, we can all agree - they served their singular purpose respectably. In the days following Halloween, will they shrivel in the sun, only to be tossed, soft and gnatty, into trash bins on garbage day? Or will they be assaulted in the night and die dramatic deaths at the hands (or feet) of smashing hooligans, the same vandals who toilet-papered the neighbors’ houses during trick-or-treating? Then, after the kids have removed their Casper masks, gorged themselves on Laffy Taffy and fallen into a sticky slumber, our brave pumpkins must face their mortality. As soon as Mom says it’s time to surgically transform them with sharpened knives - carefully gutting, scraping and whittling their thick meat into exaggerated personifications - pumpkins courageously report for duty as Jack-o’-lanterns, keeping watch at every house with a spooky orange glow. On Halloween, pumpkins willingly take center stage, becoming the stars of the show. They mingle modestly with gourds in seasonal displays, but make no mistake about it. Pumpkins might be homely, but they aspire to loftier goals than soup. Sure, we may fish a few slippery seeds out of pumpkins’ open cavities for roasting and salting, but there is no possibility that anyone will make palatable food out of the stringy, slimy pulp of this oversized species of winter vegetation. Squash-flavored beverages? What’s next, kale salad? Blech!

Certainly, no one would ever eat pumpkins, or God forbid flavor their coffee with them. With one notable exception - pumpkin pie, which really doesn’t count because it’s made with processed and spiced mush from a can - pumpkins are only meant for decorating, carving and smashing.

Ginger brave pumpkin